To Family and Old Friends

LOADS of things have changed about me in the past several years.

I figure I may as well make a note of some of the bigger changes.

- I tend to dye my hair
- I have tattoos
- Just because I have done things, doesn't mean I still do them
- I have been through a LOT, and let's face it, it hasn't left me unscathed
- I am Pagan. I respect your religious views, as long as you respect mine. We can even talk about stuff as long as you're not trying to either bring me back to the Mormon church, or just back to Jesus in general.
- I am married to a soldier in the US Army

If I think of something else...I'll add it in.

Broken

I promised to love, and honor him forever
I lied
Where there was love is nothing
Where there was honor is now disgust

Does this make me bad?
Does this make me wrong?
Does it make me a failure?
Am I broken?

Or is it him?
He was nice
He was caring
He was loving
Then he drank
He changed
The nice became mean
The caring just disappeared
The love was twisted...into something else

Is he the broken one?
Was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Did I give him too many chances?
Did I wait too long to leave?
Will I be like him?
Will I change like that?
Have I been damaged beyond repair?
Will I ever be able to forget?

I used to feel strong.
I used to know I was powerful.

Now I feel cold and weak.

Can I get my strength back?
It has been so long...
Will I ever find it?

When did I lose it?
How long has it been gone?

Longer, I think...
I think it left me that night in December...
That night I have tried to block out of my mind for so many years...that night that won't go away...

So, here I am
I feel like I've been broken
I feel cold and alone

There is only a small amount of hope
A flicker of what was once me leftover

Trying to get out
Trying to be free
It's getting bigger, but will I ever be the same?

Fire

Darkness is everywhere
I feel it surrounding me
Why can't I find the light?
Where did it go?
I used to have it...
The fire has burned out
Only red embers remain
Can I relight the fire?
Can I bring it back?
Will it ever be the same?

Wait
The flame isn't completely out
Will it grow?
Can it be what it was?
How long will it take?

For now there is just darkness.
Without the fire I feel cold.

I only feel warmth with him
when I am with him I feel the fire
it burns big and bright
as if it had never gone out

I want to feel that all the time
I want to feel the fire wherever I go
what do I have to do?
what am I missing in myself that puts the fire out when he is not near me?